Shared by Lady S

Courtesy of etsy.com

I had my first boyfriend after I graduated from college and I was 21 then. Young, innocent and carefree. I never thought that this bf I had was the kinda demanding, controlling and manipulative. The reason I stayed in the relationship was to make him a better person na dating walang direction ang buhay at dating addict. So I sacrificed my own whims and wishes for the sake of helping him become a better person. He was filled with dreams too and I have to keep the relationship strongly bounded with love, trust, understanding and well nourished with acceptance and all dahil nakita ko namang nag-eeffort syang magbago. I believed in his potentials. I was actually a tortured girlfriend dati dahil gusto nya akong mapasakamay nya. I can't run away and escape from him for he has that suicidal tendency personality.

There was a time I was dragged on the rough ground kasi nga ayoko mag give in sa gusto nyang mag-premarital sex kami para sa kanya na ako totally. Mistreated and physically abused. I explained to him that I cannot subject to that kind of unacceptable 
act before marriage kasi ayokong magloko at magsinungaling sa parents ko sa mga kahihiyan because I give importance to my traditional values.
Moreover, he'd drive the car so fast to threaten me. Sabi nya, "Ano? Anong gusto mo? Magbigay ka o hindi?" Inside the car, hindi ko sya kayang ma-tame kasi nga he's totally out of his mind and a freak. He'd gone mad dahil kasi ayokong bumigay. He'd twist and squeeze my arms kasi galit na galit sya. He'd even humiliate and embarrass me in public. Dahil sa takot ko di ko na alam ang gagawin. Confused, scared, helpless. I felt really dumb, weak at that time. Kasi I was torn out. Morally bruised, degraded.

I am the type of girl who doesn't give in easily dahil sa family values I was brought up to. But then, he broke the promise that he won't do it until we got married. As almost always, yun ang madalas namin pinagtatalunan kasi nga ayoko but then unfortunately napasakamay nya ako. Too bad, I was helpless to run away from their garden compound kasi ang dilim at ang taas ng pader, marami pang barking dogs sa garden nila that I had no choice to run away from the scenario. It was the time na gusto ko na syang hiwalayan dahil he never respected my decision. My conscience was mocking me every night dahil sa ginawa nya since I don't want to humiliate and cause public disgrace to my family's reputation and good standing in the society.

So I got married in 2005, as he promised na panagutan nya ako. And everything went smoothly until one day things have changed the way they were. Ini-encourage ko ang ang husband ko to start on our own but he insisted to stay with his parents for the meantime. So, okay inallow ko sya sa decision nyang ganun. I was working in Gensan then as a nurse. I was filled with elusive, impossible dreams for the love of starting a family on my own.
 Since I got a job from Gensan, my husband has to come to Gensan to see me or once a month ako naman ang umuuwi sa Cotabato.

Actually, naging matino ang usapan namin with that kind of arrangement hanggang sa ilang buwan, my husband was acting strange and indifferent towards me. Naging demanding, impatient at short tempered sya in dealing with me plus yung salitang binibitiwan nya sa akin ay may mga ultimatum that I have to make a choice. To me, I was surprised with the kind of statements na binibitiwan nya. May banta yung mga sinasabi nya. Kapag di ako umuwi maghiwalay na lang kami kung ganun man lang rin daw. I kept my cool as to how he dealt with me. I stayed patient and silent. I tried my best to keep the relationship.

Then I found out it was true na madalas pala syang pumunta ng Davao to see another girl. At first di ako naniwala. Until later, confirmed na meron nga. I kept asking bakit ganun? Ako sa Gensan na mas malapit di nya kayang puntahan? Hindi ako makapaniwala. Until later, inask nya ako na maghiwalay na lang kami. Over the phone lang ang usapan namin. Sabi nya gusto nyang maka-move on kasi he's trapped with the situation daw. And he assured me na walang problema sa processing ng documents dahil may kilala sya na mapadali yung petition for annulment. I was shaking at that time and I don't know what to do nasa duty pa naman ako. Nagtago na lang ako sa CR to shed out my tears. Ang sakit. I admit I have my inadequacies too because I worked far from our so called home. I was trying my best to help him build a family of our own. Pero minadali nya ako sa turn of events. I couldn't get a grip. I don't know where and how to start. I was torn between many things. I got numb and blank. Hindi makapag-isip ng mabuti. Nanghina ako pero I tried to remain calm and strong. Sabi ko na lang di pwede itong ganito.

One day, he phoned me asking "Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo? Kung ganyan ka lang at ayaw umuwi give me my freedom para maka-move on ako. Hindi yung ganito. Ano na lang ang sabihin ng tao sa akin. Ayoko ng ganitong situation. Hindi mo rin naman ginagawa ang role mo as a wife ah". Nagulat ako sa sinabi nya. Determined syang ipursue ang annulment dahil sa pagkukulang ko. Well, blame it all on me kung gustuhin nya at kung bakit ganun na lang din akong sumikap. There was this very deep reason behind why I was trying to convince him to live on our own as a couple na separate din sa parents nya. Before our marriage, he laid out his plans to me that we will live on our own as a couple pero promises were made to be broken. All that I was expecting in our new journey was a total failure.

I never had the chance to fix it because he doesn't want me too. No matter how I tried to ask him for another chance para makabawi man sa pagkukulang ko or para maayos man lang were all ignored. Buo na ang decision nya to pursue the annulment. But then, parang ako ay nablack mail sa gusto nya. So he asked me when ang uwi ko to sign the papers at para mapadali daw agad ang process. We met and he made me sign the papers at a local restaurant. Hindi ko na nakain yung inorder namin. Ang sakit! He never said anything while he handed me the documents. I held back my tears. Pinilit kong maging kalmado. Masakit pala sa lalamunan yung pigil na iyak. I was shaking and mute. Para akong naparalyze. I want to beg pero sabi nga nila pag ayaw na ng lalaki wag nang pilitin kasi magmumukha lang akong kawawa at tanga. To save my pride, pinigilan kong lumuha but I gone totally numb after that. After I signed the papers, I left. Di ko kaya. It made me totally speechless and blank as I went home.

I got back to work to keep myself sane, occupied, busy and I started on my own. Took the courage to see the brighter things in life. I never had anymore relationships at that time although may mga suitors naman ako. Few months later, my ex got married and heard the news that her wife gave birth. So while married pa kami nuon, may kapalit na pala ako agad. Ouch! ang sakit ha. Well, inisip ko na lang baka we're not really meant to be together for a long time. Better days are yet to come sabi ko na  lang. I was able to move on easily knowing na wala ng pag-asa magkabalikan dahil may anak at asawa na sya. Well, I never had regrets nor guilt feelings kasi matino naman ako even from the start bago pa nya ako nakilala. At least I took good care of my image and reputation na walang masabi sa akin.

Once in a while, nakikita ako ng common friends namin at sila na mismo nagbabalita ng: ay ano ba yung girl na napulot ng ex mo hindi man lang nakakalahati sayo. Haha! Natawa naman ako. I just tell them, let him be. Let them live their lives. I'm living my own as well. Yung peaceful at no stress. Yung isang friend nya sinabi pa sa akin na nadadawit pa raw ang name ko pag nag-aaway silang mag-asawa. Sabi ko out na ako sa problema nila. It's been a long time and yet he can't still get over me? Haha. Natawa na lang ako.

Sa facebook at friendster, he was stalking me and I block him everytime. He sent me messages. He greeted me on my birthday. He emailed me asking if I was mad at what he did. I said NO. It was your choice at wala na akong magagawa dun.. Tapos na ang lahat between us. Why bother asking me things like that? Inemphasize ko na walang space ang anger ko para sa kanya at para ano pa at magalit ako. I was busy bettering myself in preparation for my future. I made it clear to him na hindi ko lang magawang makipagkaibigan sa kanya dahil I'm just protecting myself and my image. Ayoko rin maging source ng away nilang mag-asawa na may connection pa kami. Iwas gulo na lang ako dahil di ko control ang isip ng mga tao sa amin at mga nakakakilala sa amin. Ayoko ng makipagreconnect sa kanya. What for di ba? I threatened him to stop bugging me or else I will tell my mother that he's trying to communicate pa rin with me or even would tell his wife that he's bugging around. Later, he stopped finally.

Only I realized it was never my loss and I hold that saying.. close to my heart I can be more. I used the past hurting as my drive to a better future, a better, wiser me.
Probably my mother had burned or kept or thrown away my wedding pictures and I couldn't find the wedding gown anymore. Not a single trace of memory from my past was kept in our house. It was easy for me to move right on at that moment.

I stuffed myself with my dreams and all. I'm enjoying the taste of my freedom and independence for eight years now. Kahit na 33 na ako, my age didn't matter to me anymore. So what if I get married late. Ayoko rin magmadali dahil lang sa age ko e kung wrong guy naman ulit ang mapupulot ko-nevermind. Now, my dreams come true. I am now here in abroad as a nurse.
Before I went abroad, nabalitaan ng ex ko na paalis na ako for good. Inask ng ex ko ang number ko from his bestfriend na maid of honor namin noong kasal namin. Then he texted me at kinumusta. I replied sa text nya: May I know who's this? pero ayaw magpakilala. Sabi ko sorry I don't entertain or waste my time to strangers ha. He texted back: paalis ka na pala. San punta mo? Then I ignored kasi di ko inientertain ang unknown texters.

Few days before my flight, his bestfriend told me na nagsisi daw yung ex ko na pinakawalan pa daw ako, natawa na lang ako. Sabi ko, "Wow! what a feeling! It's not my fault anymore I told my ex's bestfriend. I'm totally healed agad when I knew he got married and having a child after a few months of our annulment. Honestly, it was much easier for me to let go and move on knowing that I have better potentials pala. I trusted myself that I can make it through the rain and stormy seas. Now I'm chasing rainbows and spinning my dreams now. Mas magaan na ang loob ko, I got out of the rut of that failed marriage.

"Ang galing rin ng ginawang love story ni God for me. I never thought there was something more really beautiful with letting go if the person was never meant for you. The beauty, magic and mystery of letting go was a gift of self-discovery that you are capable of doing so much better than yesterday. I appreciate every morsel of what I went through because I was able to see that there's something more, far better and all that God reserved for me. It made who I am today actually. Of course, thankful that God is saving me for someone truly deserving and better. So is everyone of us."