Shared by Miss Nastassia Sarabia Lozarita

A year ago, I would have never guessed my life would be the way it is now. A year has passed and so much has changed.

My happy ever after turned into my worst nightmare. Who would want something like that? Nobody, right?

But it is reality. Shit happens. And it happens to the best of us and it happens when you least expect it. I was never good at rejection. I always feared being taken for granted. I dreaded the feeling of being replaced, the feeling of getting left behind.

Every girl dreams of a fairy-tale-like love story. It doesn't have to be the most handsome Prince Charming. Mostly, we dream about our Knight in Shining Armor.

For the first time, it felt like I found my Knight in Shining Armor when I met you. To you, I was a princess. Well, at least that’s how you made me feel. 

Our love story started through MIRC. I can still remember our first meet up. I was so tense and jumpy all over, I didn't know what to wear. I wanted to look pretty for you. Being with you, for real, got me feeling excited and at the same time, wondering –

How would the day turn out?
Would we click?
Would we feel the same?

And we did! I can’t even remember what movie we watched on that day because I was so happy just being with you. I always looked forward to days when you would visit me in BFRV with buko pie or plato wraps. Even without “pasalubongs”, I treasured the effort and time you spent with me. You had to go home late at night and had to travel alone back to Biñan. I remember looking forward to weekends because I’d be with you. Your family and friends made me feel like I was family, they made me feel like I belong. I am thankful for the nights you had to travel with me back to Manila just because you wanted to make sure I got to work safely. I was never a fan of video games and that changed when you got me a play station just so I had something to play with while waiting for you in your pad because you had work on Saturdays.

I am sorry that it seemed like I neglected how kind and caring you were. Perhaps, I was overjoyed with being your princess and got too complacent. I remember not needing to tell you to do anything. Because you always made sure I got what I wanted, what I needed.

It may have looked like I took you for granted but I loved you the best way I could. It may not be how you wanted me to love you but that does not mean I loved you any less.

I am sorry that I failed to take care of myself – I let myself down and did not care how I looked and it seemed like I did not give a damn that I gained weight. But I was upset about gaining weight, I did not know how I could go back to 2004 when we first met. Of course, I wanted to look my best for you. And since I couldn't bring it back, my defense mechanism was to act “masungit”. Because I did not want people looking down on me.

I have nothing bad to say about how you have taken care of me. Because you did a pretty good job in taking care of me. And I tried to give back. I could write a list of all the things I tried to do for you but I won’t. Because this is not about who did more or who did better. Not anymore.

I loved you! I just didn't know how to show it the right way.

I learned a lot from you. I will always be thankful to you for bringing out the best in me, for always believing in me. If there was someone really proud of what I have become, it was you.

You made me the happiest girl in the world on February 28, 2012. It was a like a dream come true. I remember telling you,

“We've gone through a lot of bumps and humps along the way, I know that there would be more. But as long as we have each other, things will always get better.”

I remember you telling me this,

“If time could stand still, I’d freeze it here
So you’d always hold, close and near
In your arms, where I’m meant to be
Filled with perfect love you've given me
A bond so strong, a hold so tight
To know you’re the one, my “Mrs. Right”
A blessing sent from up above
And I've found my one true love
Upon this new journey we've just began
Where you and I will find no less
Than eternal love and happiness.”

And I held on to that. I was so excited for new beginnings. Because of that, I wasn't afraid to face the world. Because I knew I wasn't alone, I knew I'd be facing it with you.

Never had I imagined that in less than 5 months, our happy ever after would be ending.

I know I had my own share of mistakes, my own share of shortcomings. And I do not blame you for throwing them back at me. I guess, I deserved it. I am sorry, I truly am.

But what I cannot accept is using them to justify what you did. Cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone you love. Nothings hurts more than getting betrayed by the one person who vowed to love you forever. I believed you when you said that you never meant to hurt me, that all you wanted was to love me. I could try to forget that it happened, forgive you and just move on. But what I can never understand is why you had to leave me.

How could you expect me to accept that you had to leave me because there were other people who needed you more?
How could you expect me to accept that you had to fix yourself? That you had to fix some things alone?
If what you said then were true, why chose to fix yourself with her?
Why not fix things with me?

I remember trying so hard to get you to change your mind, to save US. In desperation to save US, I haggled and sold myself short. I knew you were with her the entire day and I had to settle with your available time (if there was anything left) at night.

I remember telling you,
“Just come home. I don’t care if you’re still together.
Just come home. You can go on with your relationship.
Just don’t let me see the two of you talking.”

I also remember telling you,
“You can come back to me anytime.
I won’t be asking you questions.
Just come back to me.”

And you responded,
“I can’t promise you when I’d come back.
But I will hold on to what you said.
No questions asked, okay?”

I never lost hope that you’d wake up and realize that you've made a mistake. I know you saw my pain and I know it hurt you just the same. I did not want what happened to put an end to US.

You told me that if we are meant for each other, we will find each other again. But I refuse to believe that. Let’s not use DESTINY and FATE as excuses for the choices we make.

I prayed and prayed every single day. I asked God to give me another chance, a chance to make it right.

But with each passing day, I discovered how deep and difficult the situation is.

Imagine my pain when I found out that it’s not as simple as you sleeping with someone else.
Imagine my pain when I found out that she followed you here in Manila after your affair in Singapore.
(How could that happen when you were with me every day when she was here?)
Imagine my pain when I found your online request for CENOMAR
(Which you couldn't get because you are indeed married)
Imagine my pain when I found your one-way ticket to Bangkok.
Imagine my pain when I found your ticket from Bangkok to Chiang Mai.
Imagine my pain when I found out you told her that I was just your crazy ex-girlfriend.
Imagine my pain when she told me that I sent her a fake marriage contract.
Imagine my pain when I learned you got her pregnant.
(Saw her preggy picture)
Imagine my pain when I learned that you were already back with your family in the province.
(When I thought you were still in Thailand, with her)
Imagine my pain when I learned you were downstairs processing your final pay but you did not ask for me.
Imagine my pain when I did not hear anything from you when Papa died.
(That was when I needed you the most)
Imagine my pain when I found out she has given birth to your child.
(Saw the baby pictures)

And every day, since then, I never stopped questioning God,

“Why did YOU let this happen to US?”
“Am I a bad person to deserve something like this?”

I wanted to talk you but you were nowhere to be found. You were gone, gone without saying goodbye. The most painful goodbyes are the ones without closure. And you never gave me closure.

I wanted to lash out at you,
“How could you wake up one day and suddenly realize that you that you've stopped loving me?”
“How could you sleep soundly at night knowing the pain you have caused me?”
“What happened to together forever?”
“What happened to happy ever after?”

I kept waiting and waiting, waiting for something I probably knew would not happen. Hours turned to days. Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. Months turned to a year.

They say time heals all wounds. But it felt like the wound just got deeper and deeper. Every single day was a struggle - should I continue breathing or not? I did not want to wake up, not until you’re back.

Some people say I wouldn't make it. Some say they look up to me for strength. Some say I survived it gracefully.

To be honest, I don’t really know where I’m at right now. Have I really survived it? It seems like I'm numb, emotionless. It looks like I no longer feel anything – may it be pain, hatred, or love. Nothing. None at all.

I somehow found my peace. I somehow found happiness within.

Maybe it helped that I learned to forgive myself for my mistakes. Maybe it helped that I learned to accept that while I had my own share of shortcomings, they should never be used to justify what you did. Maybe it helped that I learned to forgive you even without you saying you’re sorry. Maybe it helped that I realized that it is more important to see you happy than my desire to be happy with you again.

Because that is what love is.
It is not about getting even.
It is about acceptance.
It is about sacrifice.
It is about seeing you happy.
Even if it means it’s not with me.

Looking back at the past year, I know I fought my hardest.
I would have fought for you until the end.
But my heart is too battered to keep fighting.
I will never win your game.
How can I win when you are who I’m fighting with and not her?

I am starting to understand why all of this had to happen.
Maybe we grew apart. Maybe we lost that loving feeling.
Maybe you are meant to be with her. Maybe I’m meant for someone else.
Or maybe God has another purpose for me.
A little over 8 years. A relationship that has been tested and strengthened through time.
But I realized that with each passing year, we fought more than we loved each other.
Perhaps, what separated me from you is I held on while you chose to give up.
Because that is how I love.
I never give up.
I love deeply.
I give my all.

I learned a lot from you and from us.
Thank you for everything. Good and bad.
I may be still in love with you but I refuse to remain broken.
I know I will be lonely every now and then.
I know I will feel the hurt every now and then.
I have to heal. I have to be whole again.

I loved you... 

Goodbye...